We Are Not Dead
by BuyMeLiliesWhenImSad
Summary: Arizona deals with her thoughts of coming around and wanting kids with Callie during the shooting episode. Meanwhile Callie deals with the thoughts of entirely giving up her dreams. A two-shot set around 6x24.
1. Chapter 1

**AN: Here we go again; another one-shot. This time I've tried to dive into the head of Arizona in the last Calzona scene of 6x24. Hope you'll like it.  
****Once again I've used the original lines of Callie and Arizona to make it real; hope I'll be able to do the scene justice. **

**Disclaimer: All rights and characters belong to Shonda Rhimes.**

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My pulse is still throbbing, even though it's all over with and the man who shot is gone, even though I'm sending Ruby off with an ambulance to another hospital. I know I did a good job, I know I did the best a surgeon could possibly do under such circumstances. But something still makes my heart pound and it's not the fact that I'm scared; not anymore. I know that whatever I have to do, I need to do with my heart completely in it. And I know the woman standing beside me still holds my heart, actually I've never claimed it back – it's hers forever, as long as she'll have it. I just don't know how to tell her that I'll do whatever she wants me to do as long as we do it together; as long as we face it together. I know we'll be able to move even the biggest mountains because the love I hold for her is nothing I've ever felt before, and if the love she feels for me is half as strong as that – we'll be able to do anything. Even get through this barrier of different opinions of our future. Being threatened on your life does that to you, I suppose. Though I'm sure I knew all along that I couldn't stay away from Callie, that I wouldn't be able to truly live without having her in my life – and with that life suddenly threatened, it hit me straight in the all the chambers of my heart and I just knew it. She didn't even have to stand up for me, for Ruby, for me to know that I would throw away all my reservations against having children to be with her again – but the way Callie so bravely faced the gunman made all my doubts about her not being in love with me disappear. And I swear I couldn't have been more afraid. The thought of him killing the woman I love so fiercely and not being with her, mixed with the fear of her being gone and leaving me to forever mourn the loss, and regret that I couldn't get over myself and give the woman I loved the child she desperately needed. I couldn't bear that, I couldn't live like that. And that's why I'm here now – that's why I'm here, trying to figure out how to tell Callie that I love her. That I can't stop loving her.

I still feel her hand across my cheek, I still feel the burning of my tears on that same cheek. But just as much or even more, I feel the love and caring she poured right into me in that moment, telling Ruby that everything would be okay because I was there. I didn't even know she felt like that which has left me breathless and speechless...again. And I don't really know where to go from here. I know that I don't want to go another minute without knowing that she is mine, knowing that I can be in those arms again and feel her lips caress mine again. As the ambulance take off, leaving me alone on the pavement with the most beautiful woman in the entire world, I turn to look at her and I'm immediately taken in by her constant beauty. I let a deep breath escape my mouth with a sigh, locking my eyes with those of deep, swirling chocolate before me. And it's like she sees right through me, reads my deepest fears and as I go to pull my soul away she drags me in closer using the perfection of her facial expression.

Not being able to handle it anymore I give her a weak jerk with my head and a soft smile. "I'm gonna go see if kids need help finding their parents," is my getting away card because how am I able to look at her knowing I can't hold her, knowing I can't love her the way I want to? I need to find a place to calm my heart, think all this through, find a way to spill my revelation to the love of my life. Because I need to do so if I want to survive, if I want to keep breathing – and with both of us breathing and living right now, I won't ever let something as surreal as a shooting be the only way for me to see clear. Callie will help me see further on, and I can only hope she will do so. But right now all I'm grateful for is Callie's shaky breath and the beating of her strong, caring and big heart – it gives me the most powerful reason to breathe as well. So, running away with the tail between my legs, I leave love behind.

"People died," Callie states which makes me turn around. "People are dead. I – I don't wanna have kids if it means I can't be with you," Callie tells me, the love in her words mirroring exactly what's in my heart. And the sacrifice in those words makes me love her even more, it makes me want to forever keep her from getting hurt because she constantly protects me, she never falters to love me with no reservations – and that is something to be even more thankful for, for the rest of my life. My heart pounds with a force I haven't felt in a long time as I set my mind on the time to come clean, to finally tell Callie that all I want is for her to be happy and I'm in for whatever that happiness contains.

"No. No. We'll have kids. We'll have all kinds of kid," and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I'll have as many kids as she wants because having a bunch of tiny Calliopes running around isn't a bad thing, in fact it's a very, very beautiful thing. And I'm all set for it, I will give the woman that I love what makes her happy and I will try the best I can to be the parent I never dreamt of being. I will…because I love her, and I can honestly say that I will love whatever we make, or decide or choose – and that because everything with Callie is everything I need. Everything I need evolve around this perfect woman, and I will make the greatest effort on being whatever she's dreamed about her entire life. I just hope it's enough.

"And I always thought I wasn't cut out to be a mom, but…you'll be a great mom. You'll be an amazing mom," I release all the words that has been floating inside my head the last couple of hours or days or weeks, I don't know. I just let go because I know whatever Callie will do, she'll do it with such a grace that'll take my breath away again and again. That kind of breathtaking I don't mind because it's the kind that makes me know I'm breathing, that I'm so much alive that it hurts. The good kind of hurting. And the way Callie lets a shaky breath leave her throat and lets her eyes softly glisten with unshed tears of joy, I know that she is on the same path as me. She's on the exact same road where love is the only destination. And if that destination holds a child, then bring it!

"And…I love you so much and I can't live without you and our ten kids," and the moment I've been yearning and almost died for arrives as Callie crashes her lips on mine in pure passion. My whole body explodes with relief and gratitude, with love and hope, as Callie tangles her hand in my hair while keeping me in place by my neck. I want to feel all of this woman; her heart race under her smooth skin, her silky hair between my fingers, her lips on every part of my body. I just can't get enough of feeling her, not to mention the way her tongue seeks out every nook and cranny in my mouth. This is why I was placed on Earth; meeting this woman and loving her, feeling the indescribable loss when I lost her and now feeling the never-ending love pouring from my mouth and into hers, Callie giving me the exact same nectar as we reunite. That is what it's all about, dying a little to know that you actually are able to live because of that. After all, we are not dead – we are so very much alive, and I intend on staying like that as long as Callie lets me love her.

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**I'm actually in a pondering state to find out if I should make this a two-chapter fic, because this scene is pretty much shown from both perspectives; so could be interesting. Let me know if you want me to :-)**


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: Okay, this one-shot became a two-shot. Here are Callie's thoughts during the last Calzona scene in the shooting episode.**

**Disclaimer: All rights, lines and characters belong to Shonda Rhimes.**

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Something went out the window, something went out of my soul and something went into my head. All of a sudden nothing else matters, nothing besides the fact that I'm still breathing and alive. Arizona is alive, that's what matters. I'm still alive and I know what I need to do to stay alive. I need to love this woman with everything that I've got. I need to put aside all of the things that made us disconnect in the first place, because I know that that is just not worth being apart. When I faced the gunman I knew it, when I felt the warmth from his skin creep up my arm I knew it. Nothing in this world should be able to tear true love in pieces. Nothing in this world would ever be able to keep me away from my love, from my soulmate. Not again. Because I know she is. Arizona is my soulmate. And if being with the person God made me for means that I won't be able to have kids then, be it. All the love I've got will be spend on loving Arizona, and that isn't bad. Maybe she'll come around someday, maybe she'll be open to the idea of starting a family in years to come – but if not, I'm okay with her not coming around, with her not wanting to have children with me. I truly am, now. Being apart made me a bigger mess than I thought possible, being apart made me think of all the times I got left and those times compared to how I feel when Arizona and I aren't together, just feel stupid. Being apart from Arizona had me realize that sometimes you need to bend to get what you truly need, that sometimes you have to compromise to earn what you crave; and I'm willing to do everything. I'm willing to sacrifice my dream of becoming a mother because not being her girlfriend, not being with her, makes me the most miserable I've ever been. If being with Arizona means I'll have to give up something I need, something I always thought I needed to be a complete woman, then I'll do it. I've learned from my constant and itching heartache the last few months that being complete…that isn't something you can do alone. You need help for that, you need someone to make you complete. And Arizona made me complete in so many ways, she made me feel complete; and therefore I'll be able to live without kids, because she makes me complete. Besides, I don't really know if I'll ever be able to love a person like I love Arizona ever again. I can't stand the thought and possibility of having kids with a person I don't love the way I love her, it wouldn't be fair to that person, to me or to the children. So that's why I'm here now, that's why my heart keeps pounding in my throat. I need to ask her to come back, no. I have to tell her that I never stopped loving her, that I never wanted for us to be apart; that I'm willing to cast away one of my biggest dreams to be with her because she's the love of my life. And to find the love of my life has after all always been the biggest dreams of all.

I can't keep my eyes off of her; her blonde hair waving in the wind, her breathing making her chest heave. When she finally looks at me after shutting the ambulance doors, we share a glance of yearning love, a desperate need of reconciliation, and right there I'm sure. Right there I know that I can't never be without those eyes again, I can't never watch those pink lips curl into that magical smile. I just can't go another minute without knowing that she's mine, I need her to be mine just as much as I need air to breathe. Telling Ruby that she'd be alright because Arizona was there, because Arizona's presence cured things to the master degree of perfection, that wasn't just a play on words to make the little girl feel safer. It was just as much to make myself feel safe, to make myself see light in that situation; because Arizona's got the gift. She's got that super special something that just makes everything bad go away, and I might be biased because I love her more than I'd ever be able to explain, but she truly has. There's a reason why kids love her so much, there's a reason why I love her so desperately that it sometimes scares the crap out of me…and that reason is passion, that reason is devotion, that reason is utter and complete heart. She's a walking heart, spreading love wherever she goes. It's infectious and I will never be cured of the disease; she's a scar I wear with pride – and I do that now, because I am certain and because I will get her back. I will.

Just as I'm about to give her my heart once and for all, she jerks her head and beats my words. "I'm gonna go see if kids need help finding their parents," and just like that she turns on her heels and walk away…again. This cannot happen again, this cannot be the constant, mean circle we keep treading like water. I won't let it.

"People died. People are dead," I blurt out and am immediately met with the blue pools of life on me. "I – I don't wanna have kids if it means I can't be with you," I tell her, spilling my heart out in a desperate attempt on getting love back, getting my only love back. In reality it's a cry for her to give me my life back.

"No. No," she denies as she approaches me in a slow pace, her voice holding so much affection that I feel like I'm going to die. I thought I was dying before but now I know I wasn't. "We'll have kids. We'll have all kinds of kids," Arizona states as she comes to stand just before me. Now I know I'm dying, her soft voice curling my dreams around her heart – it's the good kind of dying, though. The kind of death you feel when your heart explodes from pure happiness. "And I always thought I wasn't cut out to be a mom," she goes on. And I know that that is just a load of crap because if anyone in this world is cut out to be a mother, that's Arizona. She just oozes that kind of skill and it pains me that she can't see it, that she would belittle herself like that. She'll be the most affectionate and loving mother a child could ever want, that's not even a question. "But…you'll be a great mom. You'll be an amazing mom," and just as I thought I couldn't love this woman anymore I go and prove myself wrong. I feel the air in my lungs and the air I try to inhale collide somewhere in my throat, making my breathing unsteady; I feel my soul and my eyes let go, finally letting the tears I've been holding back be shed. And it feels amazing.

"And…I love you so much and I can't live without you and our ten kids," when Arizona finally reveals what my heart has been dying for her to say, to make out, I can't not kiss her. Months of suffering vanishes as I pull the love of my life in by her neck and claim her as mine, as mine forever. The touch of her lips nearly makes me keel over, because even if I've explored those lips and felt them on me so many times I almost forgot how incredibly it feels. How remarkably good they make me feel. Something I won't ever have to forget again. Arizona's soft hair dances with my fingers and her hands stroke my cheek then grasp my shoulders, forearms only to settle on my hips. I feel her heart beat in synch with mine and I know that love is enough. Love is enough for us to keep on going because we've just shown the both of us that we're willing to bend and sacrifice, to compromise and communicate. And that's why love like ours, true love, can't be neglected for dreams made in the past. New dreams can be just as good and euphoric as the ones you dreamt once upon a time. As long as we live, as long as we are not dead, we're able to dream and sometimes it takes to meet the love of your life to know that dreams can change, or that dreams can be a little twisted. I know that that's okay now, I know it because Arizona is with me. After all, it's all about finding that love to recognize that your dreams aren't entirely lost.

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**So, that's the end of this two-shot. Did you find Callie's thoughts just as fitting as you find Arizona's in chapter 1?**  
**Please let me know - and thanks for reading :-)**


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